moving on up! [29 Nov 2007|03:36am] I got a job at Salon Eva (An Aveda Concept Salon) in downtown Bellingham! They are remodeling & expanding and I am so excited to start! Sunday will be my first day. If anyone wants to make an appointment to see me, I'd love to see you! Eva 360-738-7660 Cheers! a glitter fo seas

[01 Oct 2007|03:46pm] I stayed home sick from school today. My new work schedule is thurs (2-9) fri (5-9) sat (10-5) and sun (11-5). It's only about 20-25 hours a week, but adding a school schedule in there makes for a very busy ingrid! I got into the english department about a week ago, and I am taking Phil 114 (knowlege & reality) Eng 311 (cultural american lit) Math 107 (symbolic and quantitative reasoning) my classes are pretty good, just trying to keep up with the reading and make sure I go to class. I feel kind of down today. I'm sick & headachey still from the accident. I need to clean the kitchen. I need to go to the bank, and mail stuff to the insurane company. I sure hope that I get a decent settlement from the car accident conidering how much time, aggrivation and headaches it has caused me. Ryan left for tour on friday and I am already missing him. It is great being able to hangout with my best friend no questions asked, whenever I want to! We had the most amazing week, and it all feels so bittersweet now that he is gone and will be (on and off) until december. Ugh. I am just going to hang in there, keep going, blah blah blah. Easier said than done, but I can do this. a glitter fo seas

when it rains, it pours [24 Aug 2007|07:33pm] my grandmother died on tuesday. the funeral is tomorrow. she died of advanced pancreatic cancer. she was sick for months before a doctor finally took her seriously and she was admitted to the hospital. as if that isnt enough to deal with, my 2 week old car was totalled today. on my way to work (in the left hand lane of state street) a 17 year old in a truck decided that (from the right hand lane) he needed to turn right -thus turning my car into his own personal turn lane. the airbags went off, my car was crumpled and his truck spun around into a light pole. my car had to be towed and will most likely be totalled. the kid was charged with improper left hand turn & cited. all i can say, is that thank god it wasnt worse and thank god it wasnt my fault. his insurance should reimburse my insurance and i should hopefully get a bit more than what i paid for my car. i hope things get better. 2 foam to wheat/| a glitter fo seas

a memorial show for Philip Scott Mayben [04 Apr 2007|02:55pm] please come, it would mean the world to me! a glitter fo seas

[14 Mar 2007|01:24pm] Bellingham is perfect. I woke up today, after a week of storms -to the most warm and beautiful sunlight pouring over me. Every night I fall asleep starting at a tree, and I wake up, hoping for that tree's branches to be backlit by sun. I got a job! At Blessings Salon (its an Aveda concept salon) in Fairhaven. I used to work there as a receptionist and I really enjoyed it...its the place that kind of inspired me to go to beauty school. My first day is on saturday, i cant wait! No more assistant bullshit, I'll be a full fledged stylist. I think im going to be pretty well set financially, they seem very busy (which is the most important thing you can hope for going into a salon), I start at 40% commission on my services (Gene Juarez started somewhere at like 27%...boo) and 10% commission on all product. They have 401k, health insurance, advanced education, not to mention they are moving the salon to a bigger, newer, nicer location. I should hear back from WWU in a week or so, once I get the 'go ahead' from them, I will feel fully satisfied in my decision to move. My life has been turned upside down in the past month. I have lost more than I could have imagined in the past 6 months, and yet I finally feel so much hope & lightness. In Bellingham, I feel like a real person again. I feel like myself. This is not to say that I dont have moments of profound sadness -but they are of a more reasonable nature and I dont feel so alone in dealing with those difficult moments. 1 foam to wheat/| a glitter fo seas

[03 Mar 2007|08:51pm] Phil's memorial was today, Mark asked me to read something which I did. I hope it was well recieved. I was pretty nervous. I guess that now this is over we all have to work on 'closure' ugh. In better news, I'm all moved back to Bellingham.I love my house and roommates. Please come visit friends! We're going to have a housewarming next weekend I think. a glitter fo seas

[25 Feb 2007|01:49pm] My landlord got the apartment rented for March 1st! The most difficult part of the transition is done! Hurrah! Hopefully tomorrow I will get the AOK on the Apt in Bham! Keep your fingers crossed... a glitter fo seas

[22 Feb 2007|05:34pm] The other day when I was at the library printing out my WWU app and personal statement, I noticed something on the bulletin board. A poster for a 'right to die' essay contest. It wasnt until I was on the bus to bellingham the other day that I even thought I had words left in me. Lastnight I was so sad I was afraid to go to sleep for fear I would die of a broken heart. My only comfort was writing. This is what I came up with for the contest, I hope it doesnt have too many errors as I dont know that I can bear to revise it again. Resolve By Ingrid A. Sagor You didn’t have the right to die. When your brother shot himself in the head on Halloween, I begged you, “Phil, promise me you will never give up on yourself, promise me you will never kill yourself” -I don’t think you responded. I loved you more than anyone. I trusted you more than anyone and that is why I cannot understand how you could leave me so alone. I had hope for you, I had hope for myself, and I had hope that our love could carry you away from your drug abuse. I think so much about the day we went for a ride on your motorcycle. You were so handsome and proud. I was so happy for you because you seemed so free. That day I got my first tattoo, a flower on my wrist, you got some random dots wrapping around your wrist -you were a weirdo. You were also my articulate, funny, beautiful, gentle, and accepting friend. You were my best friend, my confidant, my first love and the man I lost my virginity to. Everyday that I knew you, I was inspired by your courage and curiosity at life. You were so present with me and so engaging; I could have spent every moment with you and never run out of things to say. I trusted you completely and I knew that you would always accept me, exactly as I am -full of doubts and hope, emotion and love. When I wrote the poem about riding on the motorcycle with you, you were so impressed and touched. It felt so good to make you proud when it was published by the college. It all seems like such a strange coincidence that you began using shortly after I left Bellingham. I was completely shocked and didn’t understand. The Phil I had known was sober, you even bought me non alcoholic beer “on accident” once! I know that our friends tried to have an intervention, and even sent you on a vacation to Chicago, but that you continued to use. Eventually Phil, you hurt them enough that they gave up on you. When you moved to Seattle six months ago, I was so happy. I felt like we both had moved here for a fresh start and that fate had brought us together once again. The Phil that I knew in Seattle was not the same Phil though. You were using drugs, and lying about it. You were argumentative and narcissistic and not very fun to be around. One night you called me really drunk, not sure how to get home and I was so angry with you for not trying to take care of yourself. I told you how to get home and you begged me to come find you or you would fall asleep on the sidewalk. When I told you no, you said you were going to ride your motorcycle home. I begged you not to but you didn’t listen. You crashed it and hurt your back so bad you landed yourself in the hospital for a week. When I ran into you that night at the Kinsella show the night you got out of the hospital I expressed to our friend Josh how worried I was about you. He looked me in the eye and said “don’t worry about Phil, he is going to be okay”. When I saw you sitting at that bar all alone, I saw how fragile you looked. I put my arms around your back and you felt my hands. I sat down and said “boy am I glad to see you”, you replied “boy am I glad to see you too”. That was the most amazing night, it felt so fated that we ran into each other when we were both so vulnerable and needing each other. I knew you had been sobering up in the hospital and as you held my hand and hugged me at the show, I felt like things might finally work out, that we might finally end up together. You came to visit me at lunch on Halloween, we went shopping and you even met my mom that afternoon! On our way back to my work, was when you got the phone call about your brother John. I felt so fortunate that I was with you and could be there for you when you needed it and felt so alone. I knew your brother had struggled with manic depression and had had drug abuse problems, I felt so much care and sadness for you and I was really worried about what losing your brother would mean to your own sobriety. After we found out, I knew that you would make a decision. You had a tattoo on your wrist that read ‘resolve’ it is so profound to me, because Phil, you could have chosen to be the courageous beautiful man that I knew, but instead you chose to give in to your pain. From this point forward every time we would hangout you wanted me to do drugs with you. Whether it was coke, pills or drinking you were afraid to be alone and you were afraid to be sober. Your drug use scared me and I didn’t want to be pulled under by you. I know you were depressed and suffering from debilitating anxiety. I was there right beside you crying and terrified. The only difference is, I chose life. I cannot rationalize your death because I loved you as much as I could, but it still was not enough to save your life. It is hard for me to grasp that love is not enough sometimes. I wish that you could have held on to reality, and been able to fight your depression enough to appreciate how when you chose drugs over your life that you were hurting more than just yourself. Your mom needed you, I need you, and there is no rational explanation why you shouldn’t still be sitting here beside me. Shortly after you came home from John’s funeral in South Dakota, we had a very honest discussion. You told me that you loved me, but that you were afraid of hurting me. You said that I was beautiful and unique and that you couldn’t be with me because you had nothing left to give anyone. Phil, because you chose to die, you are the cause of my deepest hurt and broken heart -yet you are the only person who can help me to heal. New Years was the last time I saw you, you were distracted by some out of town friends and I was alone on midnight. I went to find you a little bit after because I was going to go home. As I turned the corner to walk downstairs to find you, you walked up the stairs to me. You stopped me in the door, grabbed me and kissed me with a passion and strength that startled me. We said goodnight and both went our separate ways. I remember so vividly the moment we said goodbye and I am so thankful that my last memory of you was so beautiful. I am thankful that I was with you when you found out about your brother I am thankful that you came home to me after telling your mom about John I am thankful for the music you gave me I am thankful that you let me see all of you, from the lightness to the darkness I am thankful that you are my first love I am thankful that you called me the night you died You died in your sleep after shooting heroine; -I didn’t even know you had been using that. They say that it wasn’t an overdose, that it was an ‘accident’. Your body was so weak from drug use and malnutrition that you were just too weak -just too empty to live another day. But, to know that you gave me the opportunity to tell you one last time how much I loved you grants me some peace. Whether or not you meant to die that night, I feel that you gave up on yourself. You gave up hope and let your resolve fade. When it comes down to it Phil, you didn’t have that right. The impact of your death is much larger than you could possibly know. Your selfish decisions have made a lasting and painful mark on the people you loved most. I once heard a quote that really stuck with me; “We conquer, not in any brilliant fashion, we conquer by continuing”. (George Matheson) -You could have continued. I would have helped you and I never would have given up on you. Since you died a week and a half ago, I have never felt such a profound sense of sorrow. I do not know how I am ever going to love someone as much as I love you. How can I ever rationalize to some stranger that you existed? How can I show them that we loved each other, and that I am the person I am because of you? The only thing that is pulling me through is that I see you all around me and feel your beauty radiating through me. You didn’t have the right to die, but you didn’t deserve the pain you felt either. I am so sorry that you could not accept the love I had to give, because I cherish the love that you gave me. I loved you with my whole being and I will be forever changed having known you. I guess in some way, your death means that now I have to live twice as hard. 4 foam to wheat/| a glitter fo seas

from my deadjournal....October 5th, 2003 [19 Feb 2007|07:32pm] "I made a great friend! This girl Katie from my history class went to the local show lastnight and we had a lot of fun scoping out guys and dancing around. The 'scene' here seems so much older than how it is in Seattle, and I feel so young here. Back at home when I went to shows I knew people, and they knew me, and it was comfortable and not as exciting. I suppose thats my life. Its all a trade off: Comfort vs Excitement. Tonight, Emily, Katie and I went to the Underground Coffeehouse in hopes of some fun, but we just relaxed. Emily drew a picture of me, and Katie and I played pool while listening to songs about loving girls and hating homophobes. Afterwards, Katie and I walked through Red Square, stopped by Jeff and John's then went to BT (Buchanan Towers) and talked til 2. Its great to find someone here who values and enjoys the same things I do. Last night we met some of the "cool scene kids" we got invited to play softball with some people tomorrow (Sunday) and we might go just because it will be neat to meet people. Also, theres a show at a houseparty in the evening, and this guy Phil said he could help us get a ride so we can go. Him and Bethany seem really cool, and I really appreciate them being so welcoming and understanding. One thing we talked a lot about was loss and appreciating people. When Sarah died, that was one thing I never wanted to regret: was not letting people know how much I care. So know this: I care, I care a thousand times over. I do." wow, the first time we met. a glitter fo seas

[18 Feb 2007|04:02pm] [ mood | contemplative ] I just got back from Bellingham. I took 4 commuter buses up there, it was a long journey but it was really peaceful and super cheap! (I only spent $2.50 on the buses!) It felt so good to be there. As soon as I arrived I felt safe & at home. It was nice being around people who were going through the same thing, and to not have to pretend you're doing awesome when someone asks "hows it going". I was finally able to do a lot of writing and it felt so good to finally put on paper my emotions and thoughts. So I made the decision that I want to go back to school and finish my degree. I had been thinking of going to Portland because it sounds like such a neat city. After talking with friends, my mom & my heart, I dont think that I would be happy moving away to another city alone. I want to finish school, I want to be able to find decent work & I want to be able to actually afford to live in the city I live in. I got a lot of "I miss yous" and "You should come back"s this weekend and I thought about it...what is holding me here? Nothing. I wouldnt be giving up if I went back to Bellingham. I think I could pretty easily find a good job at one of the (many) awesome salons and I know Western would take me back. I wouldnt lose any of my credits, I could find a job at a salon that I might actually LIKE working at, and I could finally feel safe & at home again. Even crazier, my friends Tim & Debbie (who coincidentally live in the same building Rachelle & Carrie used to and Ryan & Amanda do live in) are trying to get out of their lease ASAP and need someone to sublet their awesome one bedroom. It's only $540 and about three times as big as my place. Anyways, a lot of changes and thinking and planning and healing are ahead. I look forward to the journey. 2 foam to wheat/| a glitter fo seas

[13 Feb 2007|09:42am] Phil died. I feel so confused and numb and sad. 3 foam to wheat/| a glitter fo seas

[30 Jan 2007|04:15pm] I got a JOB!...Not in a salon. In my searching, I realized that I had worked for both of the salons that I wanted to (and who impressed me) and that in the end I'm not sure the salon world is for me.My mom isn't helping me anymore financially, and I feel like I can do what I want. When I thought about going to beauty school, it was just a random idea, but my mom picked up on it. She helped me create this future in the beauty world where I would "rise to the top" of the industry. I think in all reality, I just wanted to cut hair pretty well and make some money while I figured out what next. The job is at Seattle Flowers as a Floral Design Assistant. Totally random, but it seems perfect. (the good hours and location are a plus too) I am enrolled at Seattle Central for fall 2007 and I'm going to finish my degree. Being that I was at WWU for 2 years, I made quite a bit of progress, so I think that I will have my credits evaluated for an AA and then I will transfer to a University for my BA. I'm thinking I'll finish up that ol' English Degree... 1 foam to wheat/| a glitter fo seas

[18 Jan 2007|02:37pm] I have my audition at Lawrence Anthony Salon tomorrow night, I'm very excited and hopeful and nervous. I will be doing a haircut on my friend/cousin's girlfriend Sophia, she has great hair and I will be doing a classic inverted bob with an undercut. I hope all goes well, I do not anticipate any snags. I really need and want this job, so I am going to bring my A game tomorrow! The salon is at Pacific Place mall and I know they are moving Barney's NY into it so I think it will get even more foot traffic than it already does. I wont be an assistant or in training or any of that bullshit either. I will be a hairstylist. At a salon. Downtown. Thank God...now lets just hope it all turns out. If I dont get the job at Lawrence Anthony I have an interview set up on Tues for Rudy's. Granted I dont really see myself working there, it could be a great place to work. Earn some money to pay the bills! Also, it would be easier to work and go to school if I was there and it might be a little busier in the beginning than L.A. Hopefully also, I can get out of my lease at my apartment...I cant afford this $675 rent anymore & for how small the place is, its definately not worth it. My girlfriends Jordan & Sarah have an extra room open in their house on 24th & Madison and they said I could move in there, they just have to wait for the old roommate to move out. Hopefully this can all happen by Feb. 1!!! If it doesnt work out, Matthew and I were talking about living together, though I dont know that moving into his place is an option because of the kitty & I think it would be nicer to have more space like in the house. What would be ideal is if I could live in the house for Feb and then Matthew could move in and possibly get a 3rd roommate. We shall see though.. I feel like I'm on pins and needles trying to figure everything out and I wish I had more control over things. I hate moving at the 'real world' pace. If it was up to me, I'd have done the audition a week ago, and be packed up by tomorrow, but thats not how things work! Holding on.. 1 foam to wheat/| a glitter fo seas

[10 Jan 2007|02:01pm] This has been the hardest winter that I can remember. I dont need to recount everything that went wrong, made me sad, or was a disappointment. I feel like with spring coming though, and a new plan of what I want to do with my life, things are going to be okay. I hate it when people wallow in their sorrows and hardships. I hated going to work at Seven, everday I had over an hour busride to Bellevue so that I could make minimum wage sweeping hair and cleaning mirrors. Yesterday on the bus I decided that that wasnt what I wanted to do for the next year of my life. I know that I have good advanced training through Gene Juarez and I also know that I want to finish college. Today I am a different and more free person. I quit Seven, I finished my applications to SCC and took the placement tests (I should be starting in Spring so long as everything goes as planned) and I dropped off a resume and application to Rudy's. They said they would get back to me by the end of this week. THEN, when I got home Lawrence Anthony (the salon at Pacific Place) called me and invited me in for an interview on Saturday! I feel like I have hope again. While Im still battling through depression, loneliness & winter in general, I feel like I have things to look forward to in the next few months. Now I need to figure out how to pay my bills...! 3 foam to wheat/| a glitter fo seas

[04 Dec 2006|02:17pm] matthew came over lastnight to watch tv and hang, he remarked that this was the time of the year when things can be really hard, but that it only makes spring feel that much warmer. even though this has been the hardest month in recent memory, im rebuilding & i think everything is going to work itself out. i feel hope inside my heart. a glitter fo seas

[01 Dec 2006|11:22pm] mark this day; excitement to come! a glitter fo seas

[16 Nov 2006|08:40pm] As nice as it was to have a week and a half off work, it feels nicer to do well in school, feel happier & focused. My apartment is a mess, I hate that working & having a life is the trade off for a clean house. Kitty is so cute these days, he's grown up so much. I love & miss my friends so lets hangout more! Everyone! a glitter fo seas

No one else is going to liberate us, give yourself permission [04 Nov 2006|10:45am] Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves. Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so other people will not feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It i not just in some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. Nelson Mandella Inaugural Speech 1994 a glitter fo seas

the earth is not a cold dead place [02 Nov 2006|01:43am] Everyone i know feels rotten. If you know me, you know whats going on. I am trying to fill myself up. Lets all work on it? The only way is if we hold eacother close & practice kindness. I had my first real panic attack tonight and I want to say thank you to Rio, Dale, Casey, Hanad & Ian for staying with me through it. I love you men. You are more courageous than you can ever know. a glitter fo seas

[02 Nov 2006|01:05am] if we needed more, how could we know who we had? all this love and pain subsides to grace how can we trust? if octobers weight holds you close, how can i let go? a glitter fo seas

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